2:46

Afterall, I know that I need some closure.

And I thank you, so much. I really do. For giving me this time.

P.S. Thank you :)

Smelly Fish

He said that I was "flat"
He said he was confused how I appeared to be joyful but so quiet the next time
He even once said that I was scary
However, he's been sticking around. I can't ask for more, at least for now.

The future is scary. It always is. It has no traffic light to warn us. It has no sign to tell us if it's going to be up or down. 

I seriously find it hard to trust people, maybe that's why I will seem arrogant to simply everyone at first hehehe. As time goes on I can assure you that you will see me as a socially awkward girl with her poker face....nah just kidding. I simply act silly when I'm around people I'm comfortable with. 

He is one of those people. It's just a bit different with him. However, one thing I can tell you; I started to trust him. Yes, started. I somehow feel it 's kind of hypocrite of  myself if I say I've completely trusted him...but I'm willing to go that far. So, let's do this.

P.S. I can totally be focus.

Speechless

Alhamdulillah....I just can't believe how Allah loves me. This much. Alhamdulillah...I'm surrounded with people who love me. Like you. This is just the beginning. I know it. Bismillah :-)

The only victim of (our version of) Biphobia,

Shafira Anjani

Motivation

Earlier today I was bored and found (hm..saw fits better, though) this assignment book back when I was on 10th grade. This book was one of the reason (and I guess also the first one) why I'm trying this hard. I found some paper are still blank so try to fill it. I forgot some ways to do it, though.

Three Quarters

National Exam.  Pretty much explains everything. 

I'm so glad it's finally over. I think I had done my best and let's see how good my best really is. 

The second I entered my car I realized that I would miss all of those faces I just saw. Those faces that I usually ignored, and sometimes even avoid. I may not know every one of them, but I know I would miss them in no time. Espescially those special people. Kendy, Ze, Anin, Ninis, Ribka, Desma, Tania, Fika, Bia, Kardina, Ayas, Prita, Maria, Icca,  Fira, Shaviera, Mumu, Dharma, and last but not least Ido. You may skip reading those names because you have no idea who they are but I somehow want to write those names out. Those names who bring the weirdo out of me.

I thank God for everything I've been through in highschool. Having a school much away from home teaches me to be discipline and also I got to know many new places. I also learn about diversity and respect others. I learn not to get mad easily. I learn to text while nodding at your teacher :-P I also learn that it's okay to hold on as long as you have the reasonable reason, if you don't please just learn how to move on. Last but not least I learn to be more realistic.

I'd also like to thank my sister and Tyas who has been a great company through the swing of my mood.

P.S. I thank God for every chairmate I ever had in highschool since each one of them helps me to be a better student. Thanks Fira, Mumu, Coblon, Eris, Ino, Prita, and Maria.(yes, it's way too much since I don't really have a permanent chairmate on my second semester) :-)

April Fool?

I remember it was one day after April Fool Day (yes, April 1st), I told Tyas and she said, "is it April fool joke?" Alhamdulillah it wasn't. :-)

Half Done

It's the last day of the school exam. 

It's just unbelievable how I can still see it clear enough in my mind like it was yesterday when I got some days off because the seniors had school exam week. I remember it was on March. On the first day of the exam I went to school to sign some kind of agreement to promise that I would never be late again (yes, my school is that strict). I remember I couldn't wait to get out of school because I had an interview to be done. An interview for a documentary movie. I remember when I finally got the agreement signed, I still needed to wait for a friend which really pissed me off since the interview was so important for me. I remember I bought two little cakes near our source's house. When I got there the interview was already done, I just got there to give the cakes and say thank you. I remember I took my only photobooth photos with my highschool friends later that day. I remember that at the end of the day I feel blessed. Extremely happy for simply everything that happened that day.

Yet, it's not over. It's only half done. And I need to make it full done. And not just done, but also done it right in the best way I can do. These two weeks had crashed me in and out. I'm not a kind of student who will stay up all night and study. I would rather sleep and continue to study in the morning. Let's just say the school exam changed that and I can really use a day off to sleep now *yawn*

Missing reading novels,

Shafira Anjani.

Overload Happiness

:):):):):):):):):)

I, just a random fact of mine, usually use smiley for sarcasm but those above are different. I'm super happy I don't know what can make me happier than this. I know actually haha but those things (that can make me happier than I already super am) are really great things that are almost impossible. Well, let's see if someday it may really happen. I love this week. Everyday of it. It may not be perfect but there had always been something special (some of it are quite embarassed, though). It's just amazing how amazing things can happen unstopable.

And, oh, I just realized it's been a while since I post photos of mine. So, here it is..my source of this week's happiness. :-D

And I still wonder why on earth I would post a photo of myself looking like....that. Happy Sunday everyone!

So Far So Great

In short: I love February. Apart from the birthday thingy, February of this year is so.....great. It's not perfect just like everything else is but I love it.

I love how I finally get a chance to talk to my best guy after weeks (maybe months?), have good times with friends, receive two sweetest letters I've ever received, feel uh-not-so-bad on lessons, have good times with family, be able to manage househould money successfully (yes, I nailed it!), and just simply see that someone  daily.

Not to mention I'm going to Bandung tomorrow (ZUPER excited for this one!!!!!Just done packing couple hours ago but can't stop myself over checking things). And...ah! For some couple weeks there's something and let's just say this something is vanished. Alhamdulillah :-D

Unless something really great is coming (I really hope something is..)February will definitely be my favourite month of the year.

Will be facing National Exam in 44 days,

Shafira Anjani

(Just) Two Weeks

Hey, peeps!

I'm in the middle of Exam tryout week and here I am. Isn't it super scary how not ready (I think) I am?  

I've studied, anyway he he, don't worry ;-)

**

Anyway..my parents are out of the country for almost two weeks. Meanwhile, I got trusted to manage the money in the household. It's only been two days and I...HAHAHAHA *lost of words......* well, I think I do well. At least, much better than the last time my parents left me (I had to manage the household's money as well..) :-P

You know..I'm not good at speaking my words. Unless it's been memorized/written before/you know what I mean right.., words coming out from my mouth are most of the time absurd. And I just found a reason why people often laugh when I speak -,-

Where am I going? I just want to tell you that I miss my parents so much. I never said words full of love for some couple years because....I got too shy. Am I the only one? I remember when I was younger, it was so easy for me to tell them how I feel.

Being left behind also makes me thinking about other thing. I have plan to go to college outside Jakarta, and I'm nowhere from independent nor neat. I can't imagine how my life would be if my plan goes well (aamin ^^). Ok, I actually can imagine. I know how I will (yes, I use if-clause 2 because I know it's possible! teehehehe) be overslept for most of my early times, since my younger sister usually wake me up. I know I will skip breakfast if I am too lazy. I know how my room will be filled with papers here and there. Unorganized.

Tomorrow is physics and english, so..wish me luck?

Currently pursuing dream,

 πA

P.S. I found that my name can be written in such a unique way couple months ago. Quite cool, right? 

Mission: Unacomplished

"I work harder than the others!"

Or that's how I think, because I don't see what others do behind the door. Maybe I didn't do my best. Maybe I put my head up too high. Or maybe I'm just simply not being grateful. Maybe I was somehow blinded by all the negatifity and not able to see any positivity around. To be honest, that's been always a problem of mine that I'm still trying to find the solution.

So...Alhamdulillah, at least. There's always something to be grateful about.

Boredom Project

It was raining outside. I got bored. I've always wanted to make one (or some) little "project" in my spare time which as you might've guessed and known..never happened.

Why didn't I do it?

It was the quickest shooting I've ever had...since my cousin wasn't used to be shooted so she was impatient to go for one scene after another. The edit itself only took about one hour or so...once again because of my impatient cousin. I didn't even edit the colour of the video..and some rough noises here and there. Pardon me.

However...this was fun. Might do another in the future if I have any idea and talent?


P.S. In the video you can see my room in...well not a glance.  Yes, it's messy.  Please consider I had this great boredom before came up with the idea of making the video.  Crawl here. Crawl there. And...here's another random fact of mine: I (+my sister) eat cereals as snacks..okay, to be spesific..honey stars. It's just like we can never have enough hehehe. By the way...what do you think?

Memory of One Day

------------------------------------
September 5th, 2012. I remember everything about this day, or at least I try to remember as much as I could. 

I remember how someone woke me up, who turned out to be my sister, but I didn't wake up. Instead, I woke up minutes later which was almost 5 o'clock. It was super late for me, I'm supposed to get off my house at quarter past five. In a rush, I went to the first floor to take a shower and found my dad was still in the shower. My house was on renovation and we only had one bathroom that could be used. I tried not to waste any minute, so I prepare my bags and uniform. I wanted to eat my breakfast but it wasn't ready yet. So I waited. When I just started to eat my breakfast my father got out of the bathroom so I took a bath as fast as I could and then ate my breakfast.

I remember how desperate I was. It was almost 6:30 and we just left home. I knew that I was going to be late but there was nothing I could do, so I slept as usual on our way. I remember woke up at almost 6 o'clock and we hadn't even got in the highway. The next time I woke up was almost 6:30 and we were near Cilandak Town square. I slept again and the next time I opened my eyes was about 6:45 and we were close to my school. I remember I combed my hair, found some hair lost, made ponytail, wore some compact powder on my face, put my veil on, wore my socks, and put my shoes on. We almost got school and I remember I forgot to wear my belt. It was almost 7 which means so close from sent home because of late. Fortunately, I didn't send home. I filled the late report with a pen I borrowed from Ms.Husni because I couldn't find my pensilcase.

I remember how my phone vibrated when I put my finger on the machine. I remember walking into my class and found the teacher was already there and some of my friends said "akhirnya..." in relieve. I remember how I could feel my own smile.

And then..sport. I remember I went to the orange toilet to change my clothes. I had finished practicing volley ball and sat there with Anin, Ribka, and Prita. Ze, Sevelyn, Sylvia, Arum, and Marini were sitting on the bench. Some boys were playing on the sport pole? I don't what I should call that thing. I remember how I was amazed by their greatness. I remember how out of blue Ribka said I would be compatible with him. 

I remember Samid accidentally put a fired stick on my finger and I broke a tube.

I remember it was English. I just randomly checked my phone and found two missedcalls from my mother and my father. I was questioning what was so important that made them both had to call me. I feel my phone vibrated which was some ping attacks from my mom. I opened the chat and found out that my almost 89-year-old grandpa had died. I was like.."That's it? I thought I would be sadder than this.." I told Anin I might go home earlier later. She asked why. I told him my grandpa died. At that exact moment I just felt all the sadness. I could feel tears were coming. Anin moved from his chair and sat next to me. Maria wasn't there because she was taken some photos for school. Anin tried to calm down, and the longer she stayed there the sadder I became. 

I remember I missed another call from my mom. I told her to recall. My father called and I ask permission from my teacher to answer the phone. My father told me he was already on his way to pick me up. I got in the class and told Anin I needed to go at that time. I took some random books to my bag and told my teacher I needed to go home.

I remember how I felt so weak that Anin had to write the permission to go home for me. I called my father telling him he needed to get in the school to sign the permission. He came not long after that. We got out and found there wasn't our car anywhere. The park man told us our driver, Mang Deden, went around. I tried not to cry. I remember it was hot. After he came, we got in the car and went home.

I remember it was a great silence in the car. I could feel my father was shaking. I couldn't even stop my tears from falling down. My father asked me to go the atm. I waited for some time because someone was still in it. I remember how I tried my best not to cry. 

We got home to pick up my mom, my sister, and our clothes. 

And here we are. On our way to Bandung. To give our very last goodbye to our beloved father, father-in-law, grandpa, and great grandpa.

Goodbye H. Achmad Djamhoer.

------------------
Originally written on my phone's MemoPad on September 5th, 2012.  

Hey, There

And....yes, you're an idiot.

P.S. The sentence above is actually one of my favourite quotes from my favourite serial, How I Met Your Mother. Which kind of reminds me of the end of the last season (lots of "ofs", uh?)......who was Robin gonna marry??!

First

1st July! Wow.....time really flies, doesn't it?  In no time I'll be sitting in my new class with some new classmates.

Talking about new class....my last report book was super satisfying!  I did expect to be better than the previous semester but I thought I wouldn't make it this good.  I wasn't even in the top ten of my class and here I am.  Still...not the best but much better.  I would try to do much better for the next semester (since it would be matter for a senior student like me who wants to go to university, to be specific public university).


Two years ago no, even a year ago I had no idea what I would like to study in college.  I was quite interested in law (because of...him) but it's not my priority.  My parents wanted me to study sience.  Okay, to be specific they wanted me to study medical but that would be my last choice since I'm afraid of dead bodies (which I will definitely be dealing with if I study medical).  I was always be the one who's excited in every biology experiment, though..  However, biology is just not my thing.  I never even wrote anything from my biology classes. I never listened to my biology teacher.  I f I understand something before the test, that'd seriously be just coincidence.  I always study biology the whole chapter right before the test (technically not right before test, night before the test).  Some of my classmates will know it, that I will be such a pain in the a** when it comes to biology test.  Don't even bother to talk to me because I won't listen. :-) 

So...have I found out what I want?  I guess so.  I want to be an architect.  I can't draw (depends on how your definition of drawing, well my definition of drawing is the one that inspires people or at least makes spaces between their lips when they see it). My physic score is not great.  I don't even love physic.  There're some reasons why I want to be an architect. When I was in 10th grade there was a lesson in fine art subject to draw from three point of view.  I somehow loved doing that.  I didn't even feel like working on an assignment.  I feel like doing a challenge.  I even did some of my friends' works.  This year I did Dharma's as well :-P  it's like taking a break from my exhausting education life instead of working. You know what they say..

And I somehow inspired by Ted Mosby of How I Met Your Mother and Tom Hansen of 500 Days of Summer who both are architect (the figures, not the actors).  FYI HIMYM and 500 Days of Summer are two of my favourite things (in this case movies and sitcoms) in life.  I was like....maybe it's a clue.  Maybe I should try to be an architect.

After all the best thing in life is the unexpected, right? That's all for now.  I've got things to write but it's getting late and I think I'd better keep it myself for now.

Saturday

No, I'm not going to talk about a day.

On 15th June Kendy and I decided to bring our camera to take some memorable moments from our last day as classmates.  Well...technically.  I didn't bring my camera because I brought the tripod and my polaroid camera.  I'd love to bring my camera as well but it'd be so heavy.  Doesn't matter, though.

CAUTION: You can skip this.

That day didn't go as the plan.  It went better.  Some of my classmates took Kendy's camera and started recording things.  I got upset first because I knew they would ask me to edit those videos.  I said that earlier to Ze.  She said she would ask Fazzy (an expert (too much? Well at least a much better) video editor than I am) to edit them.  At the end of the day (as I had expected :-)) Ze hadn't asked him to.  Kendy sent the videos via email as I requested.  Well.....someone has got to do it, right?  I mean I was too lazy to edit those videos but I want to have something to be remembered by all of us.  However, I kept trying to find a way so I didn't have to edit those videos so I asked Romy (another much better video editor than I am) but he refused to *sarcastik look.*  I tried to ask Fazzy as well but........*another sarcastic look.*

So....here it is.  A video that I had been working for the last 9 days.

or simply watch it on youtube here.

Just a massive thank you (yes, for anyone who's a directioner and reading this, I copy Lou's style) for Kendy, Maria, Anin, Prita, and last but not least my brother who helped me in the process of editing this video.

There was one day when I went to school just to copy a video that couldn't be sent via email because it was too big......which means Kendy had to go to school as well.  And....because Kendy wouldn't be there until midday and I was there since 6 o'clock I searched for someone to accompany me and there Maria was, went to school just to accompany me.  Merci beaucoup :-* (I rarely use this emoticon....you should be grateful ;-))

P.S. All the videos were taken in one day, that's why there are only some moments we could take.  Some classmates (Fazzy, Firman, and Julius) didn't even say their one word for Saturday. There were only about 13 boys out of 37 (if I'm not mistaken) in our class so the number of videos and photos of the boys are not balanced.  Btw...what do you think? :-)

The Movie

If you've read some of my previous posts you might've known that I had been working on a short movie project. So.....here it is.

Or simply watch it on youtube here.

I think I haven't done my best because I'm not proud of it.  I guess I'm just being a perfectionist as I mostly am.  I didn't even want to upload it on youtube but some of our talents and some friends asked me to.  This project seriously made me exhausted.  To get it done before the deadline I need to stay up all night for like seven days.  You can tell the reason why on the credit, though. ;-)

Pellucida Zone

Today's exactly 15 days since the last time I checked his twitter account.  Sounds....easy?  I used to check his timeline for at least once a day for the past two years (or more?)....so it was hard at first.  Well, it hasn't been harder than I thought it would be...doesn't make it any easier, though.  The first step is always the hardest, right? :-)

I'm glad to be able to see a wider world now.  He somehow made me blind, I was super close-minded. Let's say that someone indirectly helps me moving on.  I love how I can think of someone and not feeling sad because of it. I love how I can feel hope which somehow feels like real hope. I love those butterflies in my tummy when I think of this someone. I'm not sure what it is but let see how it goes.

No longer hold on and stay,

Shafira Anjani

P.S. Note to myself: stop counting how long it's been since the last time you check it.

   + Don't mind the title, it's just my favourite new word. 

     ++ If you know what the phrase on the title means...it's not the reason I like it.

LEGO

No...I'm not going to talk about that toy (well, if I would it should be spelled leggo if I'm not mistaken?)

People say that love takes no reason. If you have any reason to love someone, it's not love. It's crush. That's what people say.  I agree and disagree at the same time.  I mean, yes, I agree that to be in love it takes no reason.  However, I think to stay in love, which is a completely different thing, takes a reason or even more.  One can love a person for a different length of time.  One could say that she would love someone forever, but would he?  I ever said that when I was elementary school, and you might've guessed this...I don't love him anymore.  It wasn't even love, I guess.  That kind of puppy love...

One would stay in love when she thinks it'd still be worth it, when she thinks there's still hope somewhere.  Eventhough it might be indescribeable.  No one would understand why she still holds on and stays for something so unsure.  They might say that they understand why she still stays, but deep inside they all wonder, "why?"

One sometimes thinks, "is he really the one?"  One knows that if he's not, God must've planned something amazing behind all of this.  There must be a reason why God made her able to stay for that long for someone like him.  One sometimes thinks that he's a clue, a path for her from God to her real the one.  One can't be sure.  One never wants to let go because she's too afraid.  One's afraid that the time she gives up would actually be the time when she could get everything right.  One's afraid that she can't love anyone the way she loves him.

One keeps thinking to find a time to move on.  To let it be.  Then...she thinks again, "so, all of my effort was for nothing? Completely nothing?"  So she starts to set a time.  A resolution?  When she accomplishes it, she would move on.  Again...this resolution couldn't be done without God.  So there is only one thing that she could do, like she have always been, waiting.

Time could change someone.  That time has come.  It wasn't something big but it somehow changes the way one thinks.  One's determined herself to move on.  She's trying not to care of the fact that her effort is going to waste.  One took a step....that would mean nothing for most people but for her it means a lot.  She knew if she didn't start, she wouldn't.  One took conclusion.  If God let her to be with him after her effort to move on, then let it be.  God's plans are always the best.        

P.S. LEGO = Life Eventually Goes On :)xx

Surprise

Friendship sometimes hurts.  How you live your life, stop for a while, take a look, and realize how gap between you and your friends has become that big.  You both still try to act like bestfriends eventhough you both know you're not as close as you used to be. Either you realize or not, you both act differently. No more silly conversations, no more funny nicknames.

"

I love giving surprises.  I love making unexpected plan that would be memorable.  When it comes to a close friend, I seriously will do anything.  If I don't give my best effort, it'd be caused they don't worth my effort.  Not that big, at least. It's sad how on my last birthday, nothing was really special.  I know I should've not expected anything...but I just want to know that some people still care, no matter how far the distance is between us, no matter how rare we speak, no matter how many people have might replaced us.  I know it was exam week, everyone was busy studying.  And I love the fact that they studied.  I didn't expect big birthday cake or something.  I just expected they'd be there, we'd be there together celebrating something.  Because I know those moments are hard to have, for now, and for me, at least.

"

I was about to write that months ago. I'm glad I didn't write that.  Something made me not to.  Alhamdulillah :) I guess I sound pretty childish now.  However, as I've written, I just want to know that some people still care.

It was April 17th, 2012.  Shaviera's birthday! We (her classmates, JHS friends, Mumu, Fira, Dharma, and I) planned another surprise supported by her mom.  After the surprise, I just sat on a random table (no...not on the table) with Fira, Dharma, Gege, and Nisa (Mumu wasn't there yet).  It was pretty normal, we talked.  Shaviera moved from one table to another to talk to everyone.

Until.....Dharma and Fira whispered each other, showed something on his phone, and acted mysteriously which made me completely confused+feel-like-a-stalker-who-wanted-to-know-what-they-were-talking-about.  Fira left and Dharma accompanied her.  And I just sat there like an idiot waiting for them.  I used to be close to Gege...but at that time I didn't know what to talk about or even do, so I just checked my phone over and over again.  There wasn't even a person texted me *Forever Alone detected*......

After a while, Dharma and Fira came back, they called Shaviera, walked outside the cafe, and had a talk.  Shaviera and Dharma came back.  Fira's mom went to accompany her.  Fira said earlier that she was going to ATM....but why did Dharma had to come with her anyway?  I didn't really mind, though. 

Uh...I forgot this part but I will never forget how this part made me feel.  Well....they came with a cake and a blue canvas filled with some of my photos. Surprise in a surprise.  I was too speechles+surprised and I didn't know how to react so I just smiled and laughed awkwardly.....thank you for every detail of the photo..



My speechless face.  Mind the expression

It might sound negative, huh? Well, I didn't mean to. I mean people who matter don't care how long it's been, how late it might be, because it should be still matter. Time means nothing.