Scary, It is.

You scared me. Seriously.

I get scared of mentioning your name too much on daily conversation. And some people might just realize.

I get scared of falling asleep and calling out your name. Yes, I'm a sleeptalker.
I get scared of searching for you in crowd. And some people might just realize.


The scariest part might be, I don't even know how to finish this.

?

Quoting someone who inspired me much,

you are happy if you say you are

I am happy. I believe that I am. :)

2:46

Afterall, I know that I need some closure.

And I thank you, so much. I really do. For giving me this time.

P.S. Thank you :)

Spoiled

"I love midnight conversation. The heavier the eyelids, the sincere the words are"

And it's just not for conversation, in my opinion. Anything comes out at midnight is just as pure as newborn baby. 

It takes time to make one action to one habit. And, yes, the power of habit: it's hard to be stopped. I must admit that rely on you has become my habit. I know, I should somehow stop. It has been weeks and I think I'm doing fine. You know...not really rely on you. It's been not easy. For times I feel like giving up. And then I always (always always alwayssss) try to convince myself that I must not spoil myself. So far, I guess it's working.

You know, something has no point. Just like this post. I should work on my assignment (again). This writting is also somehow one way to get me awaken. Cold coffee stops working after 2am, I suppose.

Point.

Once again I got into that point.

You know....one point where you have no one to talk to, because you just simply think no one would understand this. Nah. Not really. I know someone who would understand. It's just not that simple. How I wish it were.

Or maybe it's just an illusion of mine that "this someone" would understand this.

Not-So-Mellow

And then I realized that most of my recent posts have been so so so mellow. And I know that's a thing I got to find a way out myself. I overthink wayyyyy to much. My life is actually not that mellow. I even doubt most people know I can be that mellow. And, yessss, thanks to my introvert personality.

Anyway,

it's a brand new semester. It's frightening somehow. Yet tempting. It's been a week and my excitement hasn't got any lower. Good sign? Let's hope so. See?????? I already seem much brighter. My only hope for this semester is to be a much-much-much better time manager. Because last time I checked, I was suck at it. And, ah, I need to know my capability and not being over it.

P.S. I still have the urge.

SCYHO

When I was 15th, I got stitches and I remember it as clear as it was yesterday how bad it was. I cried along the process and I remember mom said,

"it must be very painful, since she tends to hold every pain she has." 

Those sentences stuck on my mind until today because I know how that is just so damn true. And I just realize that when mom said that.

I realized how I always try to never ever cry in front of anyone. I realized how I always try to be the strongest girl ever existed. When the reality is..no, I'm not. However, this has slowly been a part of me. I somehow become an introvert. Even tough there were certain times when I couldn't handle it and brokedown anyway. Still, I only come out weak to some certain people. I even only come out weak in front of mom for a several times. And if you've ever heard me complaining to you for times, that means I trust you. Trust you enough to be weak in front of you.


P.S. I trusted.

Minority

English Midtest in 7 Hours

It's never easy, each day of it. However, I think it's worth the try and that's why I'm still trying. It's never easy to be just out-of-the-blue thinking of him in the middle of the night. I hope he'll never see this, though. I don't wanna seem so weak, because I'm not. Right? 

How can you measure time? It might not be long enough, but to hold on for every each day is just simply not easy. 

I tell him this almost everyday, but..

damn..I love you B. 

Day 59

It's coming to my sixth week here. 

Things just got real. Or this one, the one that I'm living in, isn't even the real stuffs? 

P.S. The space becomes smaller everyday which indicates the number gets bigger. 

City of Flowers

It's official. I'm moving to this city now. It's happening. WOOT..........

P.S. First things that I can tell are how cheap the food is and how I loveeee the weather here. I can totally get used to this (it's a prayer, I must say)

Smelly Fish

He said that I was "flat"
He said he was confused how I appeared to be joyful but so quiet the next time
He even once said that I was scary
However, he's been sticking around. I can't ask for more, at least for now.

The future is scary. It always is. It has no traffic light to warn us. It has no sign to tell us if it's going to be up or down. 

I seriously find it hard to trust people, maybe that's why I will seem arrogant to simply everyone at first hehehe. As time goes on I can assure you that you will see me as a socially awkward girl with her poker face....nah just kidding. I simply act silly when I'm around people I'm comfortable with. 

He is one of those people. It's just a bit different with him. However, one thing I can tell you; I started to trust him. Yes, started. I somehow feel it 's kind of hypocrite of  myself if I say I've completely trusted him...but I'm willing to go that far. So, let's do this.

P.S. I can totally be focus.

Speechless

Alhamdulillah....I just can't believe how Allah loves me. This much. Alhamdulillah...I'm surrounded with people who love me. Like you. This is just the beginning. I know it. Bismillah :-)

The only victim of (our version of) Biphobia,

Shafira Anjani

Déjà vu

I have done it before, and maybe that's why, I can do it again. I somehow had known since a long time ago that I would do exactly the same thing. I know I was waiting for a reason to do that.


P.S. Found it!

Twist and Shout!

#NowPlaying You Make My Dreams Come True - Hall and Oates (Current favourite!)

Do you know one of those days where too many things happen and you're just confused about how to feel. It's even confusing how feeling things can be this complicated. I guess my brain is still on its process to find out what's really going on.

I love hectic days, anyway. It's tiring but somehow that tiring feeling is what makes you feel alive. 

P.S. Currently having trouble to sleep caused by overload things. Feeling like a little kid..how I'm so puzzled yet excited to know what'll happen next hehehehe. :-)

Motivation

Earlier today I was bored and found (hm..saw fits better, though) this assignment book back when I was on 10th grade. This book was one of the reason (and I guess also the first one) why I'm trying this hard. I found some paper are still blank so try to fill it. I forgot some ways to do it, though.

Three Quarters

National Exam.  Pretty much explains everything. 

I'm so glad it's finally over. I think I had done my best and let's see how good my best really is. 

The second I entered my car I realized that I would miss all of those faces I just saw. Those faces that I usually ignored, and sometimes even avoid. I may not know every one of them, but I know I would miss them in no time. Espescially those special people. Kendy, Ze, Anin, Ninis, Ribka, Desma, Tania, Fika, Bia, Kardina, Ayas, Prita, Maria, Icca,  Fira, Shaviera, Mumu, Dharma, and last but not least Ido. You may skip reading those names because you have no idea who they are but I somehow want to write those names out. Those names who bring the weirdo out of me.

I thank God for everything I've been through in highschool. Having a school much away from home teaches me to be discipline and also I got to know many new places. I also learn about diversity and respect others. I learn not to get mad easily. I learn to text while nodding at your teacher :-P I also learn that it's okay to hold on as long as you have the reasonable reason, if you don't please just learn how to move on. Last but not least I learn to be more realistic.

I'd also like to thank my sister and Tyas who has been a great company through the swing of my mood.

P.S. I thank God for every chairmate I ever had in highschool since each one of them helps me to be a better student. Thanks Fira, Mumu, Coblon, Eris, Ino, Prita, and Maria.(yes, it's way too much since I don't really have a permanent chairmate on my second semester) :-)

Mobbed

Few days ago, on Thursday to be exact, I had a dream. When I awoke, all I could think of is have I ever had a dream that is better than that? I might think with my sleepy head but maybe that's true. It felt so real that I got surprised (in a bad way) when I woke up. I mean, like seriously. Last Thursday my mom picked me up (she rarely do this) and it happened in the dream. I could tell, I don't know how or why, that the next day (in my dream) would be holiday...and last Friday was a holiday. My point is, the situation in the dream was just exactly the same.

At last, it was a remarkable dream. I might remember this one for quite a long time.

Has no idea how to wake up,

Shafira Anjani

P.S. The title itself has something to do with that dream. TeeHee..

Half Done

It's the last day of the school exam. 

It's just unbelievable how I can still see it clear enough in my mind like it was yesterday when I got some days off because the seniors had school exam week. I remember it was on March. On the first day of the exam I went to school to sign some kind of agreement to promise that I would never be late again (yes, my school is that strict). I remember I couldn't wait to get out of school because I had an interview to be done. An interview for a documentary movie. I remember when I finally got the agreement signed, I still needed to wait for a friend which really pissed me off since the interview was so important for me. I remember I bought two little cakes near our source's house. When I got there the interview was already done, I just got there to give the cakes and say thank you. I remember I took my only photobooth photos with my highschool friends later that day. I remember that at the end of the day I feel blessed. Extremely happy for simply everything that happened that day.

Yet, it's not over. It's only half done. And I need to make it full done. And not just done, but also done it right in the best way I can do. These two weeks had crashed me in and out. I'm not a kind of student who will stay up all night and study. I would rather sleep and continue to study in the morning. Let's just say the school exam changed that and I can really use a day off to sleep now *yawn*

Missing reading novels,

Shafira Anjani.

Overload Happiness

:):):):):):):):):)

I, just a random fact of mine, usually use smiley for sarcasm but those above are different. I'm super happy I don't know what can make me happier than this. I know actually haha but those things (that can make me happier than I already super am) are really great things that are almost impossible. Well, let's see if someday it may really happen. I love this week. Everyday of it. It may not be perfect but there had always been something special (some of it are quite embarassed, though). It's just amazing how amazing things can happen unstopable.

And, oh, I just realized it's been a while since I post photos of mine. So, here it is..my source of this week's happiness. :-D

And I still wonder why on earth I would post a photo of myself looking like....that. Happy Sunday everyone!