Tadaa

It's New Year's Eve.

No shit is given, at least from me.

But, I feel a little lonely. Actually, contrary to current situation. 

I kinda miss you doooooh. See you a few days from now, though.

E he he. Now I think I should call it one.

Terka

Aku benci hanya bisa menerka

Aku benci hanya bisa menatap

Tapi apa lagi?

Kutanya lagi dan lagi

Banyak, sesungguhnya

Dinding tipis menghalangi

Ilusi seakan tidak tipis

Membuat nyali hilang bagai kabut

Sesal mungkin datang

Mungkin tidak sekarang

Tapi pasti akan datang

Kalau tidak diguncang

One Shade of Grey

Dissapoint others is easy, dissapoint yourself is hard.

I think I dissapoint myself way too much. I hate that fact. 

Sepucuk

Hai, B.

Lol.

Hal pertama yang masuk di pikiran: kata ganti pertamanya apa? Heck it, anyway.

Udah tepat setahun ya? Persis. I dont know about you, but I'm glad I made it through that one year. :) 

Sooooo...how are you? Hahaha. Maaf ya. I guess you know me better to know the reason why I act like this, right now. Gak tau jg kenapa tiba-tiba mau nulis satu post. Well, in case you didn't know, this one is for you.

Sepertinya akan selalu jadi misteri, eksistensi dari post di blog ini diketahui atau tidak sama lo. Howeverrrr, this little brain up here would like to say that you do know the existence of them. 

Sejujurnya, kirain bakal lebih mudah untuk nulisnya. Huahaha.

If I have the courage, I may send it directly to you. Nah, gak juga sih. Keberanian itu ada. Tapi rasanya tak perlu. Terlalu banyak drama untuk ditambah, ya?

Jadiiii...mari anggap lo udah baca post-post di blog ini. Yes, many of them are about you. Penasaran sih responnya bakal gimana. But, no, I will never ever delete any of them. Promise. 

Sejujurnya, gue senang banget dengan kondisi kita sekarang. No white lies. So, let's keep it this way for now...I suppose?

Gak tau mau nulis apalagi. Kata sih tak akan pernah habis berucap. Banyak kisah yang ingin dilontarkan, tapi tak banyak untuk dipublikasikan pada umum. Mungkin kalau waktunya tiba, dan lo emang tau eksistensi post ini, tagih saja kisah itu. Mungkin bahkan bisa bertukar cerita?

P.S. Ini semua karena tweet lo. Yeu dasar jelek. 

Clicked

One wrong move and..

Screw you.

Moonyah

I hate this moody side of me. Like...seriously..I got stuffs to be done.

That Side

As dominant this introvert side on me might be, I guess I'm pretty much predictable. No, I'm not that kind of book who gives you the spoiler on the title book printed on the cover. However, I guess I'm kind of predictable.

When I feel sad, I write.

When I feel anxious, I write.

When I feel great, I write.

Pretty much of what I feel can be seen by the content, though. So......yes, read me and you will read me.

This one, I guess, has nothing to do with my current feeling. Lol. Kidding. Guess this one. :-)

P.S. If you had no idea that I can be read through my writting, count today as your lucky day. Your welcome.

You

The act of affection, to me, often comes with the act of hatred.

I hate falling for you.
I hate the butterfly.
I hate that stupid-anxiousity.

I should be studying, fool.

Klik

Mau tahu sesuatu? Ya mungkin kamu sudah bisa menerka pula. Aku suka menulis. Selalu suka menulis, kalau perlu aku tegaskan. Mungkin satu dari tak banyak hal yang berubah dariku sejak berstatus siswa sekolah dasar. Jadi tertarik pikiran ini ke beberapa tahun lalu. Tunggu..aku sudah tua, ya. Cukup tua untuk menyadari bahwa masa bangku sekolah dasarku sudah terlewati hampir satu dekade. Pada saat itu, aku sadar aku suka menulis. Setiap ditanya, aku selalu menjawab penulis adalah pekerjaan impianku. Di waktu luang aku menulis cerita pendek. Pernah kucoba curahkan waktu untuk menulis novel. Sayangnya hanya berakhir wacana di antara file komputer lamaku. Beranjak remaja. Aku dikenalkan akan media maya. Blog. Seperti yang aku tulis saat ini, sepertinya begitu. Wujud tulisanku sudah bertransformasi sekian kali. Entah lah. Tidak pernah benar-benar menghitungnya. Menarik sesungguhnya mengetahui berbagai karakter tulisan yang bisa aku dalami. Untuk saat ini, aku masih menikmati menulis. Seperti yang aku sematkan di kalimat ke empat: selalu suka. Aku menikmati menulis di kala bosan. Aku menikmati menulis di kala sepi. Menulis seperti mendapat bahu tambahan di sisiku. Membuatku semakin kuat. Merasa semakin kuat, setidaknya.

Mad Sound

Don't you just love how you can hear someone's voice when you read that someone's writing? 

:)

Singkat

Sudah biasa
Tembok seberang sudah biasa
Melodi menyusup dari rongga
Sudah biasa

Banyak rupa

Sepertinya sudah biasa

Sesuai arah bawah sadar sang insan

Harus terbiasa

Kemarin hitam

Hari ini biru

Siapa tahu besok apa?

Hanya bisa menerka

Funny

500 Days of

The Coffee Isn't Working

After a good amount of time, I can't say I learned what love is, but I can say I've learned what it isn't

-Not me a.k.a via an article I read through facebook

?

Quoting someone who inspired me much,

you are happy if you say you are

I am happy. I believe that I am. :)

Jikalau

Sang jari terhentak. Disusul tempat ubun-ubun bernaung. 

"Apa yang salah?" Ujar pikiran. Hening untuk beberapa saat. Tidak ada jawaban. Toh insan ini memang sendirian di ruang. Apa yang kamu harapkan?

Kadang kamu pikir sudah melangkah jauh, namun ketika kamu menengok, kok tidak jauh dari mula? Rasanya seperti jalan di tempat. Berulang kali simpul ini berusaha dilepas, berulang kali pula kamu pikir simpulnya sudah terlepas. Sepertinya masih ada seutas benang yang tertinggal. Cuma seutas benang. Kamu bisa saja mengambilnya lalu membuang benang itu. Jika kamu mau.

Spiderman

"Within great power, comes great responsibility"

How if we turn it around? Withing great responsibility, will great power come?

I'm so grateful for where I am right now. I look back at couple years ago, and I wouldn't think I can be where and what I am now. Alhamdulillah.

Yes, I know. I'm far from great. At times, I still disappoint myself. But it's better to go slow as long as you don't stop, right?

I used to be so afraid to take chances. To speak up. To simply do anything. And I thank everything in between of my life so far, that I'm slowly over those problems of mine. Still, I know I can do better. That's why I try to take chances that I know might make myself better. Bismillah.

Yes, I feel overwhelmed sometimes. Yes, you're not wrong to think that this time is one of those times. Writing has always been my escape. I just love how I can be in my own space for one moment.

Well, it's called escape because you can't be there forever. I guess it's time for me to go back. It's never easy, I hope it'll never be easy. It's me getting stronger, and my problem's getting bigger.

Bye, and see you soon. :)

B

He said that his ego is currently too high to mantain everything.

Little thing he didn't know, it's not that high. To admit to have one is one mature act. 

Thank you. And I'm sorry. You know, I'll always care for you. Take care, for real, for now.

Maybe

Maybe because it's you

Or maybe because it's me being me

2:46

Afterall, I know that I need some closure.

And I thank you, so much. I really do. For giving me this time.

P.S. Thank you :)

Spoiled

"I love midnight conversation. The heavier the eyelids, the sincere the words are"

And it's just not for conversation, in my opinion. Anything comes out at midnight is just as pure as newborn baby. 

It takes time to make one action to one habit. And, yes, the power of habit: it's hard to be stopped. I must admit that rely on you has become my habit. I know, I should somehow stop. It has been weeks and I think I'm doing fine. You know...not really rely on you. It's been not easy. For times I feel like giving up. And then I always (always always alwayssss) try to convince myself that I must not spoil myself. So far, I guess it's working.

You know, something has no point. Just like this post. I should work on my assignment (again). This writting is also somehow one way to get me awaken. Cold coffee stops working after 2am, I suppose.

Point.

Once again I got into that point.

You know....one point where you have no one to talk to, because you just simply think no one would understand this. Nah. Not really. I know someone who would understand. It's just not that simple. How I wish it were.

Or maybe it's just an illusion of mine that "this someone" would understand this.

Not-So-Mellow

And then I realized that most of my recent posts have been so so so mellow. And I know that's a thing I got to find a way out myself. I overthink wayyyyy to much. My life is actually not that mellow. I even doubt most people know I can be that mellow. And, yessss, thanks to my introvert personality.

Anyway,

it's a brand new semester. It's frightening somehow. Yet tempting. It's been a week and my excitement hasn't got any lower. Good sign? Let's hope so. See?????? I already seem much brighter. My only hope for this semester is to be a much-much-much better time manager. Because last time I checked, I was suck at it. And, ah, I need to know my capability and not being over it.

P.S. I still have the urge.

I

I come to realize that everything is not about oneself. It's not a matter of "I need it" and "I can't live without it".

I

I

I...

It's all I hear all the time. And I come to realize those reflect selfishness. How about what others think? Just because you need it and (you think) you can't live without it, doesn't mean the final conclusion depends on it; or does it?

[Inspired by a line from "Raising Helen"]

P.S. And that's why,b

The Tired Left Shoes

I plan to write something, but nothing come out. Anyway..

Here's to us.

I guess, see you when I see you?

Analyst

When you realize the existence of a part of you is caused by particular someone.

Midnight

Here today gone tomorrow
Washed away all my sorrow
There will be a time when I will come and find you again.

Leave the light on your window
I just might try to follow
There will be a time when I will finally find you

But midnight close my eyes I’m tired I’m fading
I am only human, Searching
Places I wont go where your name are written
We’re all only human, faking

Stay a while fill my hollow
Till the sky turns to yellow
There will be a time when I will come and find you again.

See the time has gone too narrow
They’ll be things you can’t borrow
There will be the day when I will finally find you

P.S. I'm a huge fan of Adhitia Sofyan. One of the reasons is simply by how I can relate in so many of his songs.

(Put a smiley here)

Seeing people meet up like they haven't met for months, when it's actually just a week or so, makes me smile. That kind of cynical smile.

Cliché

Today is D-day for some people. The test day. And it got me back in time, how it was just last year I've been through this.

I remember how I felt butterfly in my tummy flying around. I remember I couldn't make myself calm. I remember how I chatted people, a lot of people, so I could distract myself. And I remember you were the one who actually made me much calmer.

P.S. And it's somehow funny how I still remember the reason you came so early that day. :)

Drunken Mind (2)

Yes, I remember it. My brain told me to write a new post instead of editing the previous one, so..here it is.

"Isn't there anyone more..I don't know, attractive, at your campus?"

"Are you sure no one catches your attention?"

"Nah, relax. You'll find someone at your campus."

No, darling. The problem is you all don't understand.

Drunken Mind

It's half past two in the morning, so I suggest I'm kinda drunk. Anything I wrote down here, I might regret it later.

And...damn. I seriously forgot what I want to write.

Page 0

They all say, "are you sure?"

And I know, I'm not. Maybe I will never be sure. However, that's life. The only certain thing is the uncertain. 

Apology

And as I try to look in the mirror and say the words that make my tongue tighten, I know. I know the moment I convinced myself to look in the mirror was the moment that I already figured it all out.

And it feels exactly like page one, all over again.

In a Rush

And that's what I've always been afraid of. The chance that I might not get another chance.

Satu Dari Dua

Kali ini aku menulis untuk kamu. Iya, kamu. Sesosok wajah yang terlalu lama untuk tak terlihat. Getaran suara serak khas yang akan selalu membuatku menoleh. Gestur hangat yang diberikanmu padaku setiap kita bertemu.

Aku rindu kamu. 

Susah. Aku kira tak akan sesusah ini.

Sering tak terasa. Sekalinya terasa, dalam rasanya. Seperti telah kupendam lama-lama.

Aku tak pandai berkata sepertimu. Bagaimana pun, aku selalu kagum dengan caramu bertutur kata. Lisan maupun tulisan.

Egois sekali rasanya menginginkan kamu disini. Aku tahu itu. Tapi, terkadang kita butuh sifat individualistis, ya? Katanya sih begitu. Aku tidak memaksa, hanya ingin memberi tahu kamu bahwa aku percaya padamu.

Sampai ketemu bulan Juli/Agustus nanti, Safira Dias Setyo Putri. Satu dari dua Safira favoritku.

P.S. Ini semua karena kamu dan sebuah tulisan di lamanmu.

SCYHO

When I was 15th, I got stitches and I remember it as clear as it was yesterday how bad it was. I cried along the process and I remember mom said,

"it must be very painful, since she tends to hold every pain she has." 

Those sentences stuck on my mind until today because I know how that is just so damn true. And I just realize that when mom said that.

I realized how I always try to never ever cry in front of anyone. I realized how I always try to be the strongest girl ever existed. When the reality is..no, I'm not. However, this has slowly been a part of me. I somehow become an introvert. Even tough there were certain times when I couldn't handle it and brokedown anyway. Still, I only come out weak to some certain people. I even only come out weak in front of mom for a several times. And if you've ever heard me complaining to you for times, that means I trust you. Trust you enough to be weak in front of you.


P.S. I trusted.

[put smiley face here]

Subhanallah. Walhamdulillah. Wa lama ilaha ilallah. Wallahu akbar.

Feeling much much blessed lately. It's been some tough days and whenever I feel like breaking down, Allah shows me something to be grateful of. Those negative feelings are the hardest to be pushed away, and it does keep coming back. However, I must win this battle. (And as if you might know me well, it's a prayer)